Voices Within

thoughts, feelings, whatever comes to mind

Entry 1

So this is my first entry. My entry of what, I don’t even know. My mind is really blank, but I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure and don’t know where to begin. The pressure is becoming a Mother, soon to be a wife, and on top of that, my so-called career.

Actually, the pressure of becoming a Mother is the least of my worries really. I feel like my OCPD will be on high voltage simply because I know I’m going dedicate my life and my all to her. She is going to be the motivation, she is going to be the reason I keep going and keep pushing to work hard and provide for her. I know there will be times that I will get nervous or hoping I’m doing everything right, but they always say those “motherly instincts” kick in immediately so I trust they will come as soon as she’s born.

The relationship I’m in…I love everything about it. And I’m being so honest about it. Finally there’s a man who is doing all the things a man would do if he truly loves his lady. I know I’ve lived quite a crazy social life. I always reflect and have seen how ugly it has been. But I have redeemed myself, learned the lessons that was brought upon me and grew from it. I’m hoping so anyway. My Mom seems to remind me at times when I’m falling back to my ways of thinking when it comes to relationships, and everything I’ve done. Sometimes I wish to erase all of it, or get some kind of device or machine to wipe that all away. But I can’t, it’s engraved, a part of my story. How stupid I have been at times when it came to relationships, never really had a voice in the past, how I always felt like I had to have a guard up after being let down. I would give my all and give those the benefit of a doubt but it always happens to go wrong. I can go on and on about this shit, but there’s no point, what’s done is done.

I love the man I’m with now…in love with him, I am. And of course the fact that we’re going to be first time parents is a beautiful thing, considering I’m living in a generation where you have multiple families outside of a relationship. I really thought I wasn’t going to get to where I am now. I really thought I was just going to be a single Mother and leave it as that. I really thought (and so did my parents) that I was going to be a Mother later on in life, or not at all. But you never know what the Almighty has planned for you.

So as far as my future husband (because that’s what’s he’s gonna be) goes, I love everything about him. He fits the criteria of being that “in-between” guy. By meaning the “in-between” I mean of playing both the good boy and the bad boy. I never wanted a guy who was all the way good and all the way bad, just somewhere in between. Of course in my experiences, I’ve dated those who were one or the other, never in between. He knows how to push my buttons, in good and bad ways. He does everything he can to take care of me, which I have no doubt whatsoever about when his daughter arrives. He truly holds it down, everything I ever wanted in a guy.

So what the fuck is wrong with me at times when he asks the simplest of things? Why at times I still have this guard up? He’s a Godsend, and the times when he does things to get on my nerves, he means no harm. On the flipside he always have me smiling and laughing. He always makes me feel good about myself, compliments me, and tells me he loves me. I do the same thing, but I seriously have to do better. Once I step into that courthouse, say I do and sign those papers in 2015; I really have to be superwoman. And that means being a superwoman as a wife and a Mother.

Now the career…can we please have a moment of silence? Because I honestly think it’s dead. I still have hopes, but there are things that are far more important right now. For so long I’ve been in this mode of hustling hard and making money to get by, I think it’s deeply instilled in me to where I have the attitude of “if it comes, it comes”. If it were meant for me to go out of state to get a career, it would’ve happened already. What’s funny is how I’ve gotten opportunities here and there where I live now. Yes there are times where I felt like I’ve wasted time getting those two degrees as the student loan companies piss me off every time they call and shit. Then again, I felt like I didn’t waste my time because I’m proud of say I’m an educated Black woman that completed my education straight through uninterrupted.

My parents say I’ve done better than they have, but sometimes I’m like “really, had I”. I don’t know…this is just me blabbering my thoughts, because really soon, my life is going to change forever. My new position will be full-time Mother, my baby girl is the boss, and that’s the one human being that I will work for to the fullest…and then of course when she has a sibling it’s going to be double time, but I’ll leave that subject to rest for now.

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This speaks so hard and go so hard! I know I’m not perfect, and the things I’ve done people have posed judgement I’m sure but I have ALWAYS walked to the beat of my own drum. My experiences are my own, my lessons are mine that I’ve learned and only the Almighty makes the judgement call. So yeah.

This speaks so hard and go so hard! I know I’m not perfect, and the things I’ve done people have posed judgement I’m sure but I have ALWAYS walked to the beat of my own drum. My experiences are my own, my lessons are mine that I’ve learned and only the Almighty makes the judgement call. So yeah.